That Movie Is Totally Not so Bad That It Physically Hurts You [Archive]

Mike McC

05-29-2008, 03:34 PM

Silence of the Lambs; I got 40 minutes through this, realised nothing had happened yet and turned it off before my brain died. Probably the least gripping film ever.Go back, and finish watching it before you even dare set foot in the vicinity of this forum again.

Seriously.In fact this applies to all parody type movies, such as Airplane and Naked Gun, because they are all dreadful and completely unfunny.So you're just against being happy and enjoying yourself, aren't you? I shall keep calling you Mr. Bitterness.

Anyway there is another movie I can't stand to watch, from horrible plot, horrible acting, and characters I couldn't give a fuck about.

I call it Attack of the Clones.

Mirai Gen

05-29-2008, 03:40 PM

Can we have a moratorium on 'winning' the thread? It seems like everyone's claiming they have with each post.

After my rant on Batman and Robin I'd also like to go for Invincible, this awful TBS movie. I know I could have just said "TBS movie" and you'd have gotten the idea but this one was beyond bad.

It's like, five martial artists from different schools are told, hey, they need to save the world. They then spend the entire movie explaining that they need to fight their enemy, but that they need to LOVE HIM, because LOVE IS YOUR SHIELD AND SWORD and other Happy Hugz Tiem morals.

So they go through this big fight scene with five equally unnamed henchmen before pulling out their Magical Crystal Balls and obliterating them with Power Rangers-esque "FINISH HIM" sort of moment, then they all run in and their mentor is fighting the dude off and they all yell "LOVE YOUR ENEMY!" And then the mentor that told them that thinks really hard about how much he loves his enemy and then there's a white burst of energy and the movie's over.

There's stuff that was awful about this movie I don't think I was able to convey, like the 'dream sequence' where they spend the entire three-minute scene with this loud chant of "LOVE IS YOUR SHIELD AND SWORD".

Damn that movie sucked so hard.

TopHatAssassin

05-29-2008, 04:06 PM

Frozen Impact. A man has to bring a liver to the town hospital so that his son can get a transplant and live, but he and his daughter (who's along for the ride) are constantly assaulted by killer hail the size of baseballs.

I don't see the problem with Batman and Robin. I mean sure, it was pretty terrible. But it had Arnold and that Silverstone woman in a skintight Batsuit. If anything, Arnold made that movie because he's so goddamn GAR.

Bells

05-29-2008, 04:06 PM

Steven Seagal Movies Are Bad!

Nuff'said!

BB Rodriguez

05-29-2008, 04:15 PM

Why are these movies being talked about in a thread for movies that are NOT so bad that they hurt you... most of those sound pretty painful.

Mike McC

05-29-2008, 04:30 PM

Because it was named so similairly to the last thread that everyone assumed that it was a continuation of it.

Thylacine

05-29-2008, 04:33 PM

From the physically hurting bad movie thread:

Everything that was worth seeing in The Village I caught from that one Youtube clip of scenes from The Village.

Scratch that. Everything that was wroth seeing in The Village i caught from the one part of that one Youtube clip where Nicholas Cage punches that lady in the face.

Except that's not The Village, it's Wickerman. The Village is that M. Night Shymalan movie that doesn't star Nicholas Cage at all where they all live in some village surrounded by woods with monsters in them.

And yeah, why is everybody talking about bad movies still?

Hawk

05-29-2008, 04:37 PM

Bla Bla Hawk's wrong Bla Bla

As I said, I physically cannot watch SotL because my brain was going numb from the sheer boredom of it.

Blade Runner was even more so.

And no Fencer, they are all completely unfunny and all failed to make me laugh even once. And this is not because I have no sense of humour, far from it in fact, I just can't get a laugh out of those movies.

Mike McC

05-29-2008, 04:57 PM

While the Nicholas Cage remake of The Wicker man is a quite bad movie, the original The Wicker Man is a great film.

Really, I think the only really really good Nicholas Cage film is Raising Arizona.

42PETUNIAS

05-29-2008, 05:30 PM

As I said, I physically cannot watch SotL because my brain was going numb from the sheer boredom of it.

Blade Runner was even more so.

And no Fencer, they are all completely unfunny and all failed to make me laugh even once. And this is not because I have no sense of humour, far from it in fact, I just can't get a laugh out of those movies.
Then you must have some maimed sense of humour, because those movies are totally hilarious. That said, I've found that your enjoyment of Airplane! depends on who you watch it with. The first time I saw it, we spent the entire movie laughing our asses off, but I saw it again with different people, and it was almost kind of awkward, because we were laughing, but not nearly enough.

The only movie I have ever just walked out of the theatre on because I just couldn't watch it is Eragon.
Shame on you for walking in at all.

Seil

05-29-2008, 05:39 PM

I have to side with everyone against Hawk, here - any early Leslie Nielson movie is damned hilarious, and I'll be damned if anyone says any differently.

BB Rodriguez

05-29-2008, 05:53 PM

Maybe he just doesn't like being called Shirley...

Smarty McBarrelpants

05-29-2008, 06:10 PM

Even I have nothing bad to say about Leslie Neilsen's early movies. And I hate everything!

Seil

05-29-2008, 06:15 PM

And I hate everything!

I think you're just over-analytical. You apply your knowledge of science and math to movie science and math and upon finding the cinematic versions lacking, get pulled out of the movie and become incapable of enjoying it.

Mike McC

05-29-2008, 06:29 PM

Psst, Seil. It was a joke.

Seil

05-29-2008, 06:34 PM

I know, I just thought Mesden put it a bit bluntly.

Patrat

05-29-2008, 07:13 PM

Michael Bay Films.

All of them.

All (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418279/) of (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120591/) them. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213149/)

Masked Jedi

05-29-2008, 07:25 PM

To get this back onto topic, which I shall interpret as movies that are so bad they're genius, the best of the lot is Troll 2. A boy is being visited by the ghost of his grandfather who warns the boy about goblins (that's right, not a troll to be found). The family goes on vacation to Nilbog (spell it backwards), where he is the only one who sees that everyone in the town is a goblin. He encounters an evil Wiccan sorceress, a sex scene so hot it makes popcorn, plant people, and some of the greatest lines of dialogue ever: "You don't piss on hospitality" and this. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4)

DFM

05-29-2008, 07:35 PM

Seriously, no, what is this thread supposed to be about?

Mr.Bookworm

05-29-2008, 07:49 PM

It was originally titled Movies So Bad They Make You Physically Hurt, pt. 2. BOW TO MY INCREDIBLE NAMING SKILLZ

Then some douchebag changed it.

Fifthfiend

05-29-2008, 07:57 PM

I saw a thread titled Movies So Bad They Physically Hurt You then I clicked to open it up and I saw a post where some guy was telling me all about how some bunch of movies were not in fact so bad that they would physically hurt me so I updated the thread title accordingly.

POS Industries

05-29-2008, 08:13 PM

Yeah, I've really got to say that both this thread and the previous really disappointed me. I give you the assault on human sanity and decency that was AvP2 and you guys come back with, what, Fight Club? Blade Runner? Have you all gone mad?

I must say I'm surprised that Battlefield: Earth hasn't been mentioned. I swear I could feel a part of my brain die the day I watched it and it never came back.

But like this right here:

To get this back onto topic, which I shall interpret as movies that are so bad they're genius

No, this is an incorrect interpretation. This isn't a thread for Trolls 2 or Manos or Carnisaur or anything that was made on little to no budget, released straight to video, and long buried until someone decided to break them out for a MST3K-style good time. Nor is it for totally great movies that you just didn't happen to like, by the way.

No, this is for movies that were actually approved for global theatrical release and given millions of dollars to produce that were so mind-shatteringly bad that you literally felt one or more parts of your body being wounded upon witnessing them. That's the only interpretation anyone in here should be going on. Gad-fucking-dammit already.

Fifthfiend

05-29-2008, 08:25 PM

Archbio

05-29-2008, 08:31 PM

They Live, Songs from the Second floor, The Day After Tomorrow...

The Limey, also, for being like the death of a thousand jump-cuts.

Lord of Joshelplex

05-29-2008, 08:32 PM

The Patriot. Seriously, he friggin cuts a swath through the redcoats with the American flag, and they touted this movie as realistically portraying the American Revolution!

POS Industries

05-29-2008, 08:33 PM

Dude, FF: Spirits Within.

I don't know what more you want from me.
Yeah, that and Freddy Got Fingered were passable in the context of the thread.

Eyes Wide Shut, too, but that once again falls into my hatred for Kubrick. He had a couple movies that were made good by the actors cast in them (Dr. Strangelove and Full Metal Jacket immediately come to mind here), but even those movies would have been a million times better if not weighed down by Kubrick's suckitude. My issue with him is that he believed himself to be a genius of film, and since genius directors all make their movies at least three hours long, then so would he! Nevermind the fact that the scripts were intended to top out at around an hour and half. Stanley's answer? Have all the actors deliver their lines as... slowly... as.... possible... so that.... there's a pause.... between.... every.... couple... words or............ so. This way, the movie would be double its intended length and be a three-hour epic and everyone would say, "Oh that Stanley Kubrick! He is modern cinema's greatest genius!"

So fuck you, Mr. Kubrick, and may you rot in hell.

42PETUNIAS

05-29-2008, 08:34 PM

The Patriot. Seriously, he friggin cuts a swath through the redcoats with the American flag, and they touted this movie as realistically portraying the civil war!
Wrong war, The Patriot is about the Revolutionary.

Smarty McBarrelpants

05-29-2008, 09:25 PM

Yeah, that and Freddy Got Fingered were passable in the context of the thread.

Eyes Wide Shut, too, but that once again falls into my hatred for Kubrick. He had a couple movies that were made good by the actors cast in them (Dr. Strangelove and Full Metal Jacket immediately come to mind here), but even those movies would have been a million times better if not weighed down by Kubrick's suckitude. My issue with him is that he believed himself to be a genius of film, and since genius directors all make their movies at least three hours long, then so would he! Nevermind the fact that the scripts were intended to top out at around an hour and half. Stanley's answer? Have all the actors deliver their lines as... slowly... as.... possible... so that.... there's a pause.... between.... every.... couple... words or............ so. This way, the movie would be double its intended length and be a three-hour epic and everyone would say, "Oh that Stanley Kubrick! He is modern cinema's greatest genius!"

So fuck you, Mr. Kubrick, and may you rot in hell.

I always thought it wasn't because he was aspiring to greatness (I can't think of any relation between film length and great films/directors), it was just that he lacked a good editor.
It's like in writing, where the author ALWAYS writes far too much and a good editor will slash it down fo ryou.
But yeah.
Full Metal Jacket should have been two seperate movies, and 2001 should have had the last 30 minutes cut out. Though I felt Dr Strangelove was just right

Mike McC

05-29-2008, 09:44 PM

That's because Peter Sellers could make anything awesome.

Magus

05-29-2008, 10:47 PM

Okay, multi-million dollar budgeted movies that sucked terribly, hmm...

VAN HELSING. Really quite unwatchable, both from either a love of old b-movies (strike one) or from the actual canon of Dracula or Frankenstein (strike two), plus, I mean, seriously, it had Hugh Jackman as a guy with a hat shooting an auto-crossbow at inane monsters for the Vatican, and yet they can't make a FFVI movie? Strikes three through infinity.

I mean, when you do a worse job of taking random stuff from literature and sticking it in a goofy over-the-top movie than The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, you know you have a problem.

EDIT: Eyes Wide Shut, Magnolia, and Vanilla Sky are all completely unwatchable, and they all star Tom Cruise as well, so maybe that is the thread that connects them...

Another bad movie I saw recently is Walt Disney's The Invisible, which is about an ANGSTY TEENAGER who gets beaten half to death by ANOTHER ANGSTY BUT POOR TEENAGER and who has an out of body experience while he's dying in the woods and has to get THE SAME ANGSTY BUT POOR TEENAGER WHO BEAT HIM HALF TO DEATH to come and save him, but YET ANOTHER ANGSTY BUT CRIMINAL TEENAGER has already moved his body. Which led to some pop songs and drama and maybe like some suspense, but not really.

ANOTHER EDIT: My final mention, Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End. The plot was extremely difficult to follow and was idiotic, and Jack Sparrow's character had become tiresome and boring, and I just kept waiting for the movie to end.

Smarty McBarrelpants

05-29-2008, 10:55 PM

Okay, multi-million dollar budgeted movies that sucked terribly, hmm...

Well you see this is quite difficult. Cause while I could give you any number of big blockbuster films that sucked terribly (Hint: About 95% of them) but the high production values generally prevent any vomit-inducing. They normally have passable acting, good editing and rely on ideas which while safe and cliche have become so for a reason, because they catchy and reasonably watchable.
I mean I barely watch mainstream movies any more because I hate most of them but it takes an extra special one to enter the true halls of terrible films.

Seil

05-30-2008, 12:55 AM

Freddy V. Jason

Now why would you go and ruin to fine, upstanding horror legends?

Elminster_Amaur

05-30-2008, 01:27 AM

I know that you guys are talking about movies that are so bad that they hurt, but as the title of the thread is "That Movie is Totally Not so Bad That It Physically Hurts You", I'm going to give you one movie along a different vein.

See, every once in a while, there is a movie that comes along that is so horrible/corny/etc. that it has gone all the way around the spectrum and become incredibly awesome by sheer overwhelming corniness bad-acting and horrible storyline. My most favored of these is The Last Dragon, by MoTown productions.

Everyone is horrible at acting in this, the clothing and props are rediculous beyond reason, and the storyline is bad for a cheap martial arts movie, but the racist bits of the movie are so overtly racist that if anyone but a black company had made it, every civil rights group in the world would be suing for reparation, and it would have likely been blacklisted or banned in the states.

I hope that none of the people involved in the production took this film seriously, because I guarantee that no one else did.

I absolutely love this movie. After everything I've said, there is no way I can get offended at the off-hand racist jokes against asians, because I'm too busy laughing at the antagonist, who is a black japanophile, that calls himself a Shogun, and wears football pads painted over to look like armor, and those retarded sunglasses with slits instead of lenses and a japanese flag between where the lenses go. Oh, it gets much better than that! This movie is so amazing, because somehow, they made glowing hands and a glowing body the highest attainment of martial arts. A kung fu exponent that dresses up as a ninja and has all the weapons of the ninja is funny, especially when said exponent is a black guy who acts more like a stereotypical asian than most asians do. A Master who quits teaching his student because he's going to visit his mother in Miami is an incredible device for moving plot. All in all, if this movie were any less god-awfull than it is, it would be painful, and yet, it is so delightfully horrible that I cannot stop loving it.

Who's the Master?!

Satan's Onion

05-30-2008, 02:22 AM

That's because Peter Sellers could make anything awesome.

I want to agree with this, but I keep thinking of Casino Royale. Not the modern film that's part of Bond movie canon, but the 1967 brain-fever with Sellers, David Niven, Woody Allen, Orson Welles, and a whole bunch of other embarrassed actors with wasted talent. I borrowed this from the library because I'd just gotten into the work of Peter Sellers myself, and naively imagined that his presence in the film would help me ignore its various shortcomings. I managed to get through the whole film, but it wasn't until I read this recap (http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Casino_Royale_1967.aspx) that I figured out what the hell I'd actually seen.

Also, Trail of the Pink Panther. Fuck you and rot in hell, you jumped-up clip show, along with every other Pink Panther movie without Peter Sellers.

Mirai Gen

05-30-2008, 02:33 AM

Hey I've brought up Batman and Robin (Bat nipples are painful), two movies I can't name but both of which had remarkable special effects and costume design yet sucked so incredibly bad they didn't even make it to video before being tossed on late-late-night TV.

I mean I got the point of the thread.
and you guys come back with, what, Fight Club? Blade Runner? Have you all gone mad?
Well since they pitched out Fight Club and Blade Runner as 'bad movies' it's a good assumption that yes, they have.

Continuing with the on-topic ness:

Shrek the Third. I don't know who it is that thinks Computer Graphics Movies = Instant Cash but you can go to hell, sir, for taking a perfectly fine movie and wringing it completely dry of any craftsmanship at all. The movie was full of stars for voice actors and had tons of budget for CGI but all it did was make me sit through a giant movie while I waited for something even moderately funny to happen, then suddenly the credits are rolling and I realized that I lost two hours.

I suppose this thread shouldn't go on without a The Phantom Menace mention. Every Star Wars geek in the world was amped up for the continuation of their favorite movies only to be slapped in the face by George Lucas' flaccid cock when he introduces podracing and midichlorians.

Episode II was bad (cheesy midevil dialog should stay in cheesy midevil movies) but it was still better for at least including a war scene.

VAN HELSING.
Oh man, and it looked so cool from the beginning. I figured it would be a great way to get a Castlevania movie that wouldn't suck, and then they turn him into a bounty hunter with a repeating crossbow that doesn't even make sense.

Tangential note: Ben Heck's hacking of a PS2 portable version recommended you test the DVD drive with something useless that you didn't care about, and it shows an image of him putting Van Helsing into the device.

RickZarber

05-30-2008, 03:02 AM

I'm honestly surprised no one has mentioned Waterworld yet.

Mike McC

05-30-2008, 04:14 AM

Yeah, Waterworld really is a movie that isn't so bad that it's painful to watch. It's not a good movie, but it is quite watchable.

Arhra

05-30-2008, 05:43 AM

I, I liked the Final Fantasy movie.

I found Waterworld pretty mediocre. The pirates were kind of funny though.

And yeah, Batman and Robin was terrible.

I'd like to say the Phantom Menace. It just annoyed me. Jar Jar Binks, pointless R2D2 and C3PO cameos, inexplicable giant fish, the gorram pod racing, a nine year old single handedly taking out the Death Star Droid Control Ship...

What they should have done is introduced Anakin at an older age and added more Darth Maul.

PS: Alderaan shot first!

Hawk

05-30-2008, 12:21 PM

I mean I got the point of the thread.

and you guys come back with, what, Fight Club? Blade Runner? Have you all gone mad?

Well since they pitched out Fight Club and Blade Runner as 'bad movies' it's a good assumption that yes, they have.

I never said Blade Runner was bad, I merely said it bored the living shit out of me, which was, you know, the point of the thread. I'm sure BR is a brilliant film and I'm well aware of its success, but the thread called for us to give films we as individuals hated and this was one that came to my mind.

Titanic is also supposedly a great movie, but you wouldn't find me watching it for the same reason as the others. Really, movies are like music; everyone has different tastes. I'm sure some people on here quite like the sounds of Beethoven or some such, but to me it's like kryptonite, causing me intense neurologiccal pain. Movies are the same.

Lord of Joshelplex

05-30-2008, 01:53 PM

I'm honestly surprised no one has mentioned Waterworld yet.
I'm honestly surprised I havent destroyed you yet.

POS Industries

05-30-2008, 03:09 PM

I never said Blade Runner was bad, I merely said it bored the living shit out of me, which was, you know, the point of the thread.
I don't know where you got the idea that a thread called "Movies So Bad They Physically Hurt You" would include movies that, even by your own admission, weren't bad. You know, since the word "bad" is right there in the title.

But like no seriously, there's really no fathoming how bad AvP2 was. I mean, at least Batman and Robin had the hilarious-for-the-wrong-reason lines like "Ice to meet you!" AvP2 was designed in such a way to suggest that the filmmakers were fully aware of how bad the movie was and so they set out to make sure that no one watching it could adequately and audibly question or riff on what was happening on screen through clever editing and sheer loudness.

The best example I can give is that, near the beginning of the movie, a man has taken his son out hunting and they are attacked by facehuggers. So this kid is standing there seeing his father getting face-humped by some alien bug while acid blood dissolves one of his arms, and the kid seems to be relatively unphased by this, and starts very calmly asking if his dad is all right. This, of course, would be a perfect time to comment to your friends on how stupid this kid has to be, but before you can even draw in a breath to speak, another facehugger jumps out and attacks the kid and the scene ends.

The best part of this is that they did the exact same thing with the exact same two characters later in the movie, except this time with the aliens bursting out of their chests. Don't get me wrong, it's all hilarious in retrospect, but they just won't let you have fun with it in the moment.

See also: The Predator's half-assed attempts at covering up the existence of aliens on Earth with magic blue glowing dissolving potion, immediately followed by blowing up like half the town himself and even skinning a guy that he killed and hanging him from a tree for everybody to find. I can only imagine that this sort of behavior is the reason he was left behind on the Predator homeworld while the others all went to Earth to hunt xenomorphs in the first movie.

Oh, and did I mention the Predator/Xenomorph hybrid getting lose in the maternity ward? I did? Well, let me elaborate. So after making it clear that the hybrid had pretty much made a buffet for itself in the room full of babies, it decides to go attack a woman while she's in labor, using what I'm assuming was its built in facehugger attachment to graphically deposit eggs down her throat and through her umbilical cord into the bodies of her unborn triplets, from which I understand more aliens came bursting out later in the movie. I don't know that last part for a fact, however, because this is when I stopped watching.

And no, I'm not putting this shit in spoiler tags because I have no sympathy for anyone who hasn't seen this movie and plans to. You have been warned.

Odjn

05-30-2008, 03:35 PM

I, I liked the Final Fantasy movie.

I think it's the Arhra-ness that keeps us from mocking you.

Mirai Gen

05-30-2008, 03:41 PM

Oh, and did I mention the Predator/Xenomorph hybrid getting lose in the maternity ward? I did? Well, let me elaborate. So after making it clear that the hybrid had pretty much made a buffet for itself in the room full of babies, it decides to go attack a woman while she's in labor, using what I'm assuming was its built in facehugger attachment to graphically deposit eggs down her throat and through her umbilical cord into the bodies of her unborn triplets, from which I understand more aliens came bursting out later in the movie. I don't know that last part for a fact, however, because this is when I stopped watching.
Yeah that was like the director hitting you in the face with how graphic and dark he wanted you to think he was. You can just know that he was terrified you didn't notice.
I mean, at least Batman and Robin had the hilarious-for-the-wrong-reason lines like "Ice to meet you!"
I'm sorry but that wasn't even hilarious in any way, it just made me sit and stare and wonder where Mr. Freeze was and why they put in Mistah Ihrans.

Smarty McBarrelpants

05-30-2008, 10:08 PM

What they should have done is introduced Anakin at an older age and added more Darth Maul.

More Darth Maul? He had no characterisation at all. He was just a guy with a double lightsaber.
I mean maybe if he had of been int he movie more he would have got some but judging by the rest of that movie I doubt it.

Arhra

05-30-2008, 11:15 PM

Yes, that's the point. He seemed like he could have been interesting, but he didn't really do anything.

Gorefiend

05-31-2008, 12:25 AM

I used to like Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. I was thirteen, and I saw it with other people, first, and all the other times I saw it I was partly warm and fuzzy cause that first time I saw it I had been with other people.

I saw it again after not seeing it for a while when I was fifteen. It hurt. Literally. It hurt more cause I had defended it before.

And, I just saw The Fifth Element. It kinda hurt, but I have a weak spot for pulpy action-sci fi movies. I'm sure, however, it'll get you all started.

As far as Darth Maul; I actually noticed that a little, even though I saw that movie really as a kid. In retrospect, it WOULD be cool to get some Darth Maul backstory. Even if it was kinda like this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJxc10EQ9JA).

MicahIronheart

05-31-2008, 01:44 PM

Also, Trail of the Pink Panther. Fuck you and rot in hell, you jumped-up clip show, along with every other Pink Panther movie without Peter Sellers.

As I recall the reason they did that is because Sellers died part of the way through. So rather than finish the movie without the main star, it became a sort of "In Memory Of" movie.

I do agree with the sentiment on the following ones, though. They were travesties, one and all.

Magus

05-31-2008, 11:25 PM

The Fifth Element is the perfect example of developing a really imaginative, humorous future world, and getting Bruce Willis to star in it, and then failing to follow-up with any sort of interesting plot device, and adding in Chris Tucker, the most annoying man on Earth, as a cross-dressing pop singer. Add in a bunch of stuff that lacks any real detail (HOW IS THE GIRL THE FIFTH ELEMENT? WHAT DID THE BLUE SINGER ALIEN LADY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT, ANYWAY? LOVE, TRUTH, JUSTICE, THE AMERICAN WAY? IS THAT REALLY A FEASIBLE WEAPON AGAINST SENTIENT ANTIMATTER?) etc. And the only good character was Bruce Willis. The part where he's smoking cigarettes that are 90% filter (yet another part of the wonderful planning they had done for the environment) was hilarious. Every other character was cheesy and annoying.

In the vein of "probably bad but not so bad that it physically hurts you (and is actually a cult favorite of mine)", I present Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as a blind Vietnam-war vet who learns the use of the samurai sword from a really really really short Vietnamese villager after getting lost in the jungle. Fast forward twenty years, and he has to protect his war buddy's son from a mob of gangsters with superior sword skills. Despite pretty much every enemy having pistols, shotguns, or machine guns, and even grenades, Rutger Hauer is completely capable of killing every single one of them, in between attempting to drive a van for a hilarious ten minute chase sequence and accidentally biting on a large rock he thought was a piece of hard candy. Oh, and the villains FINALLY find someone else who can swordfight to fight him at the end at the ski lodge, so of course this leads to a long ten minute battle around an electrified hot tub. I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say it was BITTERSWEET.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: the movie has a scene where Rutger Hauer swings his sword at a guy he's threatening and perfectly removes the man's eyebrows, leaving them sitting on his sword blade before allowing them to drop softly to the man's desk. The man immediately gives Rutger Hauer the keys he's looking for, as all of us would in such a situation, I'm sure.

POS Industries

05-31-2008, 11:36 PM

HOW IS THE GIRL THE FIFTH ELEMENT? WHAT DID THE BLUE SINGER ALIEN LADY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT, ANYWAY?
Uh, dude....

http://www.bigplansbigcrash.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/mati.jpg

This really should be obvious.

Gorefiend

05-31-2008, 11:52 PM

What annoyed me on that movie (other than most everything you mentioned) was the popera scene (why the fuck did it have to become a pop scene, and her dancing was just... Gah!) and the part where the girl learns about War, which is supposed to be oh so meaningful. It just felt out of place. I actually liked most of the rest of the movie, and I have to agree about the setting being great.

For a regular pulpy action there's the latest Zatoichi. Not cause its bad, but there is SO MUCH GODDAMN BLOOD! Its ridiculous.

Magus

05-31-2008, 11:57 PM

Well, I mean, I know what the fifth element is, I just don't know what the fifth element is, i.e. the movie did such a bad job of explaining the entire mythos behind the entire movie that it just didn't make any sense to me. I know for sure there was less than five minutes devoted to explaining it, i.e. the girl is the clone of one of the fat aliens. She is also the fifth element. I don't know what exactly the fifth element is, but she's the fifth element. Then she destroys the evil antimatter because, like, DUH, that's what the fifth element does. CREDITS ROLL.

Really I just think it was an excuse to show off Milla Jovovich's body without bothering to make her act (which is lucky as she is incapable of acting). So maybe this is actually a good movie?

EDIT: Oh, Mah-Ti, you little devil you, I should have known.

42PETUNIAS

06-01-2008, 12:16 AM

Wait, there's a sci-fi fiction with Bruce Willis and Chris Tucker as a pop singer, and we're bothering to discuss why it sucks? That seems like a pretty huge waste of time.

Mirai Gen

06-01-2008, 02:41 AM

Damn it POS beat me to it.

Really I just think it was an excuse to show off Milla Jovovich's body without bothering to make her act (which is lucky as she is incapable of acting). So maybe this is actually a good movie?

Eh, Fifth Element wasn't that bad, and even more so it's pretty against the point of this thread to directly say it is.

Now this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultraviolet_(film)) on the other hand is a perfect example of a movie that tried so hard yet while watching you felt immensely sorry for the entire cast, because they wanted to make a good movie so badly yet failed so utterly you cringe every time it plays.

And it even was another movie in the long line of "Millia Jovovich Fighting Against Multicolored Backgrounds And Taking Her Shirt Off Later" movies.

Satan's Onion

06-01-2008, 04:32 AM

As I recall the reason they did that is because Sellers died part of the way through. So rather than finish the movie without the main star, it became a sort of "In Memory Of" movie.

I do agree with the sentiment on the following ones, though. They were travesties, one and all.

Ah, but the thing is, Peter Sellers died before shooting even began. (http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Trail_of_the_Pink_Panther_1982.aspx) (According to that link there, he died in 1980; the film was released in 1982. In fact, it's a pretty good summary of the film's origins and history.) So Blake Edwards cobbled together a "Pink Panther" film from deleted scenes and outtakes, along with original footage which was all about following a reporter who was following Clouseau who was looking for the diamond all over again. Is he missing? Where is he? Why the fuck am I being asked to care, if I'm not seeing Peter Sellers on the screen except in scenes that I know for a goddamn fact are recycled from his previous films?

Krylo

06-01-2008, 04:43 AM

I would leave this to play out its last couple posts before closing, but I'm pretty sure that only like... no people got the actual point of this thread. Or the last one.

And I hate you all.

Well, maybe Satan's Onion got it. That Pink Panther movie DOES sound pretty bad, despite high production values. Bad, not as in, "I don't like this movie," but bad as in, "The people who created this movie had absolutely no grasp on the rules of dramaturgy, but they made it anyway, and no one stopped them, and god why did they do that!?"

Don't make another thread unless you can define dramaturgy, and recognize movies that ignore it.

Given this thread and its predecessor, that really just means: Don't make another fuckin' thread like this.