Movies So Bad They Physically Hurt You

[POS Industries]

So tonight I get home and am presented with the suggestion of ordering Aliens vs Predator 2. Now, I'm the kind of guy that enjoys occasionally watching crappy movies with the intention of riffing on them like I'm on the Satellite of Love and the first AvP movie was good for this, so I go along with it. Big mistake on my part.

Long story short, I now have Mind of Mencia on because it's actually less offensive and painful to my senses on an exponential level than that movie. I swear, that movie made me feel like I had the flu it was so awful, and I'm still undecided on whether or not I will be vomiting tonight. When your story and characters are so bland that the only way you can think to spice things up is to set goddamn xenomorphs loose in a maternity ward, you should probably stop making the movie. Just a word of advice.

Any experiences the rest of you would like to share in this same vein? Because I need something--anything--to take my mind off of the half a movie I just sat through.

[Mike McC]

Batman & Robin.

I win the thread before it really even began.

Granted, the near making out of Jim Carrey and Tomy Lee Jones in Batman Forever wins my sister's vote for physically damaging movie moments.

[CTDChris]

From Dusk To Dawn Series(It sucks...all of it)

Shark Attack III Megaladon(Just wow, is all I have to say"

[Masked Jedi]

Okay, The Singing Detective sounds like it's gonna be so weird that is a masterpiece, but it's not. Not only is it scattered and random, which kinda hurts, but it's really depressing and painful to watch. Stay away.

[Seil]

Freddy Got Fingered.

...Just ....Just..... ow.

[Mike McC]

Leave it to Seil to find something horrifying and awful beyond rational description. I concede my crown.

But seriously, I cannot watch Batman & Robin for more than 5 minutes straight. The only way I can tolerate it is if I am looking the opposite direction.

Though, if they had gotten one of thier other choices for Mr. Freeze, it would break through the realm of horrible and make it much more watchable.

Really, they should have tried to get Hulk Hogan as Mr. Freeze.

[Flarecobra]

That Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. Me and that movie is like Fencer and Batman and Robin.

[Smarty McBarrelpants]

Manos: The Hands of Fate. It makes plan 9 look like a stirring romp. I mean there is a driving scene at the start which goes on for a few minutes and nothing happens. Kind of weird. Research tells us that that was supposed to be where the credits went. But they forgot.

Also the New Transformers movie. Closest I've ever come to walking out of a movie since Fight club (which I would list but it was merely bad, not vomit-inducingly bad).

[Masked Jedi]

That Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. Me and that movie is like Fencer and Batman and Robin.

Fight club (which I would list but it was merely bad, not vomit-inducingly bad)

You two need to stop lying. Seriously. Just stop the lies, and let these nice people know the truth.

[Toastburner B]

Starcrash (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzfuNSpP0RA)

At Star Wars clone made two years after the first Star Wars movie, but with far worst special effects.

Starring the Hoff. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-dwjrinK0)

[Magus]

Hard Rock Zombies (http://www.badmovies.org/movies/hrockzombies/). Oh, and a more recent one, 1001 Maniacs, was pretty bad, too. B-Movie horror movies are in my opinion the worst of the worst, we can put up with fantasy stuff like Krull (http://www.badmovies.org/movies/krull/) because at least it looked like they were trying and fantasy films have gotten much better, but the majority of horror movies are still just as cruddy as slasher flicks from the '80s.

A more recent movie I saw that was pretty terrible was Jumper, and Hayden Christiansen still continues to physically hurt me with his dialogue. I thought he would stop after Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, where the way he gave his dialogue at the least made me uncomfortable and at times made me physically hurt.

[BitVyper]

Highlander Endgame. Fuck you, Douglas Aarniokoski. Fuck you.

[Magus]

Endgame was still better than, say, Highlander II and III. Which isn't saying much.

[Kroze Gamegod]

Highlander: The Source

THE PRIZE IS TO GET TO MAKE BABIES!
And the ear rape that is the cover of the original "Princes of the Universe" song by a band that was TOTALLY NOT QUEEN!

[Smarty McBarrelpants]

You two need to stop lying. Seriously. Just stop the lies, and let these nice people know the truth.

But.... it's so bad.......

[Mike McC]

Yeah, right. Next you'll be saying that Se7en was horrible and 12 Monkeys was atrocious.

You know, I think I'm just going to go ahead and throw all of the _____ Movie 'parody' series up here. Well, except for Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2. The Wayan Brother's involvmant managed to make those two adequately enjoyable.

Please note that Meet the Spartans is being counted as Epic Movie 2.

[POS Industries]

No, BHS, it really wasn't. Remember how you hate everything?

Of course, the only other movies that ever caused me pain were Stanley Kubrick's and I'm told that most people consider them quite good, so it's not like I'm one to judge you.

[Bells]

ok, are you kids going to behave yourselves now or shall i start talking about movies whose title ends with the word "Movie"?

uhn? Anybody?

didnt think so....

EDIT: Doddaum Ninja'ed!

[Mike McC]

Doddaum Ninja'ed!I do not ninja. I merely set trends.

[Kroze Gamegod]

Ok... I got a whopper of one:
Southland Tales

Do I really need to explain?

[POS Industries]

Doddaum Ninja'ed!
What in the hell is Doddaum and why does it have ninjas?

[Regulus Tera]

Yeah, right. Next you'll be saying that Se7en was horrible and 12 Monkeys was atrocious.

Maybe not those two, but Casablanca thankfully bored me to sleep before boring me to death.

[Seil]

Fight club (which I would list but it was merely bad, not vomit-inducingly bad).

I think I may have just lost all respect for you.

[BitVyper]

Endgame was still better than, say, Highlander II and III. Which isn't saying much.

Eh, Highlander II is my second favourite in the series. It had some pretty awesome moments.

[RickZarber]

Casablanca thankfully bored me to sleep before boring me to death.But, but... Bogart! Bergmen! Lorre! It's like I don't even know you anymore, man!

I, uh, I don't have any "this movie is really bad" picks just now. I just love Casablanca too much to let that go unchallenged.

[Smarty McBarrelpants]

No, BHS, it really wasn't. Remember how you hate everything?

Of course, the only other movies that ever caused me pain were Stanley Kubrick's and I'm told that most people consider them quite good, so it's not like I'm one to judge you.

But it's like they were trying to make an arthouse movie but also a blockbuster, popular movie that is understandable and the result was a cheesy, predictable mess that was similar to pretty much every film made in West Germany in the 80s, just dumbed down and not that great.
I don't like a lot of Kubrick either but 2001 was awesome except the last 10 minutes which were an artistic wankfest.

Also Gone With the Wind. I don't know. It just seemed plodding to me and the characters weren't that interesting and none of them were likeable.

As for Casablanca, I quite liked it. It was totally ridiculous and the plot made no sense (a letter from De Gaulle is going to get you through Nazi Europe??????) but it just fun. And so many great lines.

[RickZarber]

Also Gone With the Wind. I don't know. It just seemed plodding to me and the characters weren't that interesting and none of them were likeable.The thing I've never understood about Gone with the Wind is that apparently people like it because it shows such a strong and independent woman figure, but she's also really stubborn and keeps making the worst decisions that keep getting the people around her hurt or killed, but that's all okay because at least they were her decisions and that's empowering somehow?

[synkr0nized]

Not really physical pain, but there have been plenty of moments of utter and complete disappointment.

[Smarty McBarrelpants]

The thing I've never understood about Gone with the Wind is that apparently people like it because it shows such a strong and independent woman figure, but she's also really stubborn and keeps making the worst decisions that keep getting the people around her hurt or killed, but that's all okay because at least they were her decisions and that's empowering somehow?

I think it's subtly stressing that women make inferior decisions and thus should be subjugating.
I mean you can portray it to be a movie about how slavery was good as well.
These can't all be coincidences.

[Bells]

Can i say i slept during Sin City without getting beaten?

What in the hell is Doddaum and why does it have ninjas?

If i told you i would have to kill you with a shovel like a poppaulem marine

>.>...

<.<...

[Regulus Tera]

But, but... Bogart! Bergmen! Lorre! It's like I don't even know you anymore, man!

I, uh, I don't have any "this movie is really bad" picks just now. I just love Casablanca too much to let that go unchallenged.

Who are you, again?

[POS Industries]

He's Rick and quit stealing my material! I'd accuse you of being Carlos Mencia but you're actually Mexican.

[Regulus Tera]

Plagiarism is the sincerest form of admiration (or some shit like that).

[POS Industries]

Okay, fine. Because flattery is my greatest weakness, I'll let it slide.

Anyway, no seriously, I tried to watch The Shining and ended up having to go outside and bang my head against a tree to escape the agony. I'm not exaggerating in the slightest.

[Mauve Mage]

Maybe not those two, but Casablanca thankfully bored me to sleep before boring me to death.!?!??!?!!

You fail again, Regulus. YOU FAIL AGAIN. First with Indiana Jones, and now with this.

Go stand in the corner of shame. Go on. Go.

:P


Films that cause me pain:

- Dante's Peak. Spoiler: EVERY TEN SECONDS SOME OTHER DISASTER HAPPENS. It's like the writers just opened the Encyclopedia of Shit That Happens, ran some of its pages through a paper shredder, and then pasted them back together on the script. "Oh no! Volcano eruption!" "Oh no, landslide!" "Oh no, the river turned to acid!" "Oh no, the acid river KILLED GRANDMAAAAAA!!" Good lord. I was begging for the acid river to kill them all.

-The Brothers Grimm. It was stupid. I seriously considered leaving the theatre about six times during that movie. I only stayed because I was there with other people. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame.

-I know I'll probably get sent over to join RT in the Corner of Shame for this, but I really got bored watching It's a Wonderful Life. It just kept going on and on and onnnn..... -_-

[Fifthfiend]

Every scene in the Spider-Man movies that did not involve Spider-Man punching a costume evildoer felt like I was being choked and kicked in the stomach at the same time.

Oh! Oh!

Final Fantasy: Spirits Within

I mean this is a movie so bad even the involvement of Steve Buscemi couldn't alleviate the pain of watching it. I mean you'd think for the five hundred million dollars they shat away into CGI they could have sprung for an actual script? But I guess they just decided to get a big-ass bag of fortune cookies and tape their fortunes together until they had enough word-soup to fill an hour and a half stretch of Uncanny Valley.

[Regulus Tera]

So, on-topic, one that really irks me every time is Disney's rendition of Pinnochio. The pacing is just atrocious.

Also from Disney, fuck Dumbo. Just... just fuck him.

You fail again, Regulus. YOU FAIL AGAIN. First with Indiana Jones, and now with this.

Go stand in the corner of shame. Go on. Go.

-I know I'll probably get sent over to join RT in the Corner of Shame for this, but I really got bored watching It's a Wonderful Life. It just kept going on and on and onnnn..... -_-

You accuse me of witchery but then proceed to commit blasphemy yourself?! Has decency stopped being a worthy virtue in this wretched world of ours?!!!! You scandalous-!!!!

Edit: Please disregard the preceding. I thought you were hating on La Vita è Bella (Life is Beautiful). I'll leave it there so people can point and laugh at me.

[Mirai Gen]

Also the New Transformers movie. Closest I've ever come to walking out of a movie since Fight club (which I would list but it was merely bad, not vomit-inducingly bad).
There is so much wrong with you.

ANYWAY, Batman and Robin still sticks out to me as all kinds of awful. As if it wasn't bad enough that they spent the entire first ten minutes showing you how Ah-nuld was to Mr. Freeze as fucking Eddie Murphy is to Wolverine, they then spend like three-quarters of their budget on multi-colored lights just in case Power Rangers didn't get you enough of "Character A Likes This Color".

Then combine it in the fact that Batman wasn't so much Batman as it was Just Another Superhero as well as the fact that most of the actors in it, if not vanishing completely, went on at least a five-year hiatus and you've got a bile-inducing movie.

Thank god for Christian Bale and saving the entire Batman franchise.

Also; Soultaker. It was a movie I saw before I knew about the MST3k, which was great because it justified all of my thoughts about the movie in one fell swoop.

[Mesden]

Oh man, I didn't actually watch this movie, but this one time my dad and I were browsing the on demand movie stuff and it was this big list and, since we didn't really care, we were scoping the preview for every movie, and this one came up and it went:

"In a strip club owned by vampires, the only tips these ladies take is your SOUL"

I visibly winced at the awful, but now I just find it the most hilarious thing ever.

[Mirai Gen]

Oh oh!

There was this one movie I never actually remembered the name of, but it's like the Spider Man story arc where he turns into a human spider except instead of developing powers and becoming a super hero he just ends up growing extra eyes and random mandibles and he goes out and eats people while his girlfriend consoles him through the door.

I wish I could remember the name but the one thing I remember is that the costume makers that did Predator actually worked on the movie, which I thought was funny and sad as hell.

[Torque]

Druids. And Beowulf.
Both Christopher Lambert movies. Coincidence? I think not.




Don't get me wrong, I really do like some christopher lambert.
But no... fuck NO

[Smarty McBarrelpants]

Oh man, I didn't actually watch this movie, but this one time my dad and I were browsing the on demand movie stuff and it was this big list and, since we didn't really care, we were scoping the preview for every movie, and this one came up and it went:

"In a strip club owned by vampires, the only tips these ladies take is your SOUL"

I visibly winced at the awful, but now I just find it the most hilarious thing ever.

How could that movie be anything but brilliant? It would take unimaginable levels of incompetence to stuff that up.

[BlackMageGirl!]

Street Fighter.

Just...so...awful...

[Lord of Joshelplex]

The Patriot really did this to me.

[Dørmatte]

I've found that, if you turn your brain mostly off and live yourself into the world, then allow for artistic liberties and such I can sit through any movie, only noticing any flaws at the end. Obviously, there are exceptions, like the halloween movies (hello invisible super strong physically immune teleporting giant), but even those are tolerable if you're watching them with a friend or two, laughing at the ridicule.

So far, the only movie I've ever been unable to sit through, was The Marksman (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0457090/). How it's possible for a movie about wesley snipes blowing up and killing stuff can be more boring than "the history of the norwegian language(s)", preformed by a half-asleep guy who had been donig the same stuff for 40 years, is beyond me.

[Masked Jedi]

Ok... I got a whopper of one:
Southland Tales

Do I really need to explain?

You need to stop lying too. That movie was a masterpiece and you know it.

[Living Bobbeh]

On a slightly different note, a friend of mine used to get extreme pains in her foot when she saw anything gory. Quite funny when I was playing Gears of War once and all I hear is "Ow. Ow ow" from her sitting next to me.

It doesn't do it to her any more :(

[Fifthfiend]

"In a strip club owned by vampires, the only tips these ladies take is your SOUL"

From Dusk 'till Dawn starring Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney.

[Odjn]

-I know I'll probably get sent over to join RT in the Corner of Shame for this, but I really got bored watching It's a Wonderful Life. It just kept going on and on and onnnn..... -_-

I always thought it was a feel-good movie about white middle class men. It'd have been more interesting if the drunk uncle guy had a suicidal experience and the angel showed him why HIS life was meaningful.

POS or whoever the guy who disliked Kubrick: Even Full Metal Jacket?

From Dusk 'till Dawn starring Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney.

I feel so bad for you that you remembered that.

[Mike McC]

POS stated that he likes Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, which is enough to make him not liking any other Kubrick movie just fine and dandy in my book.

[Odjn]

POS stated that he likes Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, which is enough to make him not liking any other Kubrick movie just fine and dandy in my book.

But that's rewarding him for something that should be accepted already! It's like rewarding your kid for not failing the easiest class in school (Accounting I and II.)

[Azisien]

I don't think any mainstream movies have ever caused me such pain, usually I'm in a playful enough mood to just brush it off. Tell you the truth I generally enjoy bad movies as long as someone else is in the room and we can go on with the joke making.

So I'm gonna have to go with every Bollywood movie I've seen. Which is not many because argh.

[Mike McC]

But that's rewarding him for something that should be accepted already! It's like rewarding your kid for not failing the easiest class in school (Accounting I and II.)What reward? Withholding scorn and derision is now a reward? I myself never really saw what the big deal about Kubrick's movies was. I just don't like his style.

Peter Sellers could save anything, though.

[G.I.R.]

Eyes Wide Shut. Even the gratuitous amounts of nudity in this movie could not make up for the suck that was this film.

And Magnolia. Funny how these were both Tom Cruise movies... Coincidence... I think not.

And that Highlander movie that was about the making of the babies... Epic Fail... It made me want to call my cable company and demand my money back.

[Hawk]

From Dusk 'till Dawn starring Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney.
I feel so bad for you that you remembered that.

Hey I remembered it too!! And you know it's actually considered a cult classic?


Anyway, films that I can't stand;

Silence of the Lambs; I got 40 minutes through this, realised nothing had happened yet and turned it off before my brain died. Probably the least gripping film ever.

Blade Runner; this movie makes me fall asleep quicker than actually trying to sleep. Even Harrison Ford can't save it.

I also second whoever it was that said the ____ Movies, with the inclusion of ALL of them, Scary, Epic or otherwise. In fact this applies to all parody type movies, such as Airplane and Naked Gun, because they are all dreadful and completely unfunny.

EDIT: Oh and sadly, most Stephen King movie adaptions, such as Christine, Salems Lot and Tommyknockers (tv movie). Unfortunately these movies were either just simply poor adaptions of otherwise decent books, or so much stuff was changed uneccesarily that they didn't make sense any more and now cause great anger for me (I'm looking at you Christine).

[BB Rodriguez]

Has "The Village" been mentioned? Or "Blade 3"? Or "Alien Resurrection"?

Because if not... yeah. Right there.

[Seil]

Sex And The City.

I don't even know if it's out yet, but no. Man, that just ranks right up there for me.

[Fifthfiend]

I feel so bad for you that you remembered that.

More like jealous.

It also featured Salma Hayek as queen of the vampire stripper whores.

[Seil]

It also featured Salma Hayek as queen of the vampire stripper whores.

Those last three words make me giggle when paired together. That being said, I thought that Salma was a whole lot cooler as a stripping heavenly muse in Kevin Smith's Dogma.

[Fifthfiend]

Has "The Village" been mentioned? Or "Blade 3"? Or "Alien Resurrection"?

Everything that was worth seeing in The Village I caught from that one Youtube clip of scenes from The Village.

Scratch that. Everything that was wroth seeing in The Village i caught from the one part of that one Youtube clip where Nicholas Cage punches that lady in the face.

And yeah I don't know what the hell was going on with Blade III.

[Odjn]

More like jealous.

It also featured Salma Hayek as queen of the vampire stripper whores.

Not only have I seen it twice I also think there's a bunch more Salma Hayek movies that she's hotter in.

[Fifthfiend]

Salma Hayek movies that she's hotter in.

Lies.