Short Story o' Mine

[Mr.Bookworm]

I have no idea where we're supposed to put regular, good ol', short stories with no relation to 8-Bit. It's one of the first things I've ever written, so I just want some feedback.

Never Run

The man walked. He walked (never running) down the rainy dark street. He knew the bad things were coming for him. He (don't run never run) walked. Run and the bad (very bad) things will get you. Yes they will (yes they will) get you. Just like they got (red everywhere) Papa. They come (yes they do) even now. For you. The bad things. But always remember. Never (run) run.

[Jimmy_Jazz]

Well I'm not sure if 'short story' is an appropriate description for this piece of prose, but i do find it interesting. I think if you tried to make a fulll on story out of this sort of thing you would risk losing the effectiveness brought about by "mystery" in the brevity of the piece.
If you're after some constructive criticism: It is my feeling, that while the reptition used here is effective, I think in some instances, where there's stuff in brackets, it could have worked better paraphrased maybe?

[Fifthfiend]

It'd work as a story fragment or as an intro or something.

Not a bad little bit of wording, I do say.