Pyros Vs The world! Prologue: Of Debt, Debtors, and Sporks! Pyros sets out!

[PyrosNine]

PyrosNine's 10 Tails: 1/9th Kyuubi

PyrosNine VS the world!

Prologue: Of Debt, Debtors, and Sporks, THE BEGINNING OF AN ADVENTURE!
Also: The Laziest Assassin, and Raiden Sux! (Not the arcade game though. That rox.)

It was the darkest night Pyros had ever remembered, and he had remembered a lot of dark nights. Even batman. But Batman never called after that night with Poison Ivy, and Pyros got the feeling the Bat wanted to go separate ways. Maybe Nein shouldn't have mailed that box of chocolates with the Danish wedding cookies. Mixed message maybe?

Pyros was hiding under yet another cardboard box, as had become standard practice nowadays, due to the cheapness of the building materials and the portability. All he needed was to find a way to make them waterproof, then he could safely put in that surround sound with Big-screen TV system he wanted, lest their be another crackle fizzle fizzle. Learning the hard way was never fun. And cheap. But he couldn't possibly afford another TV until he no longer needed to hide, no thanks to the Burner of Toast. The bills gathered from that NPF SAVES CHRISTMAS rp would have devastated Pyros's bank account, even after he was paid a nice sum to portray Johnny Storm's stunt actor for the "Flame on" scenes. Fortunately enough, the bill collectors couldn't collect the whopping 999,999,999,999,999,999,123x10x10 due to the heavy security on the Fire Angel's Bank Account in the Bank of the Gods. So in order to collect their pay, they had to put Pyros on ice. Only Pyros couldn't skate for the life of him, and Mickey Mouse tended to show him up with his damn unnaturally shaped ears.

So the cat and mouse chase had begun, between the Fire Angel and an army of Lawyer-Ninjas. Normally Pyros would have simply taken the Ninjas to the cleaners, but lawyer-ninjas were a tricky bunch. Who would've thought that legally certifying an army of Ninjas as a single ninja would work, and allow them to make a loophole in the Inverse Ninja Power Rule. While Pyros was eager to test it, he decided it'd be best to destroy them after the debt had been repayed. He was quite willing to pay them back, but he'd already taken payments out on a grant to find waterproof cardboard and a big screen TV. Which meant he was a good 1,200,000,000 short.

But in the dark blackness of the night, there were ways to get money, some as unsavory as others:

"HELLO SIR! ME LUV U LONG TIME! YES?"

"Umm...sorry miss..I think, but I'm a married man. And a noble one at that. So I will have to politely say no."

"What? U SAY no? U CAN'T say no! I need food to eat! I have three kids to take care, and private education costs!"
"I'm sorry, really I am...maybe I could just give you a few dollars..."

"No! NO! THAT WON'T DO! U"VE RUINED ME! RUINED ME! I'll die cold and naked in the gutter, and my children will have to feast upon my flesh in order to live! YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE FUTILE! WHY? WHYYY? I KILL U! I KILL U DEAD!"

"Hey! No! NO! Get your hands off me! Put that down! Ack! My GOD! YOU STABBED ME! ARRGH! I'm dying! IF only I had the chance to tell my wife I loved her!" Suddenly, the ground beneath poor man and the prostitute exploded in a massive explosion of flame, and their bodies were sent sailing into the air, off into the distance.

Pyros put his hand down, placing it on the crudely made table before him. He had watched the whole thing and found it annoying. The spectacle they made was a distraction away from his stand, which was situated on the same street corner in the dark and dreary city Pyros called home. It was between Mcavity and Burnam streets, in downtown. There was a light, sprinkling rain that coated each and everything, remaining in the air as a mist. In the cold night it made the very air breathed as thick as the night, making you think you were almost swimming surrounded by sharks as you walked by slick darkened mirrors reflecting from the rain covered streets.

Pyros didn't like it one bit. He felt almost like the air he breathed, cold and wet, filled with a pointlessness and futility. There would never be a morning, the air said, the rain would never stop, and the sun would never shine again on this dank and dreary corner of the abyss. Also, it said, there would never be more lemons. Pyros was dejected at this. He had wanted more lemons.

Otherwise his meager lemonade stand business would fall apart. He had expected a new shipment of lemons any time now, but it refused to come. So until it did come, he was making lemonade using Orangelos. Of course, there was a notable difference between the two, and technically it was Orangelo-ade. But he assumed that if it was branded as lemonade, consumers wouldn't notice the difference. Assuming of course, they bought it.

Which no one was doing. Pyros sighed. "Damn! What are the odds that no one would want to buy Lemonade made from Orangelos from a curbside stand in the darkest foulest section of the city, at night?"

Suddenly, a strange man appeared in the middle of the road. "Mr. Pyros?" Pyros looked up, and stared the stranger in the eye. "Maybe."

"I'm here with your shipment of lemons." The stranger held out a lemon as an example.

"And I would like to purchase some of your lemonade." A business man emerged from the other side of the street, holding newspaper.

"And I want to buy my thirsty children some lemonade too." A woman said walking down the street with her two children, a boy and a girl, pushing a stroller with a baby inside.

"Don't forget me. I would love to buy many cups of lemonade as well." A mangy street dog asked politely, drooling slightly.

Pyros stared at the eager customers. <Something's not quite right...> He thought, scanning their faces, and clothing. The dog started licking itself.

"Hmm....where is the rest of my shipment? You're only holding one lemon. I can't make all these people lemonade with just one lemon." Pyros pointed out.

The stranger suddenly noticed a flaw in his plan. "Umm...oh. My bad. I seem to have brought only one. But it is a big one. Surely it will be enough..?"

"I don't really think so. You're a horrible delivery person." Pyros sighed, sipping from some of his previously made faux lemonade.

The woman held up a lemon. "Oh. It's okay. We brought lemons too." The little boy and little girl held up lemons as well. "We have plenty of lemons." The boy said. The girl walked up to the table and put hers down. "Please make us lemonade with our lemons."

Pyros picked up the lemon, and inspected it. It was indeed a lemon. It's skin was a bright yellow, there were no bruises on the fruit, and it smelled Lemony. "Very well then. I shall sell you some lemonade..." Pyros drew his Sax, and held the lemon up. he gave it a quick toss in the air. Then, he struck with speed and without mercy.

CLANG! In place of where the lemon was, there was now a Ninja, who deflected the sword swipe with a kunai.

The Stranger's Lemon burst, revealing another Ninja with a bit of lemon peel still on his head. He leapt off as The Stranger's clothes were ripped off by an unseen force, revealing yet another ninja.

The business man was next, ninjaing out of his own clothes, laden with his own sword. The woman's Lemon became a Ninja, and pulled up the woman's dress to reveal her as a ninja. Pyros didn't find this strange. For a mother, she was particularly flat chested. Also, the bulge in her lower dress was somewhat noticeable. Pyros paid no mind to Ninjas and their cross dressing perversions. The final lemon became a ninja as well, and the two children grew abruptly into adult Ninjas. One a strong man armed with flying stars, and the other a Kunoichi armed with an ample chest. However, she didn't seem happy about this.

The leader ninja, the former stranger, gave her bewildered look from beneath his face mask and headband. "What the hell, Tad?"

"Uh.. I don't know!" She cried, with a high pitched voice. "EEK! Is that my voice?" The Kunoichi's 'brother' went over to her and gave her boob a poke. "Ack! That tickles!" she said with a yelp.

"Tad you idiot, you've botched the shape changing jutsu!" Tad's 'brother' explained.
"Hey! It's not my fault! You're the one that said 'hey! Be a girl, because most single mothers have a son and a daughter!' It was a difficult Jutsu!" Tad whined.
"It's only a difficult jutsu if you're an idiot!" The 'brother' said, rapping Tad on the head.
"Ow! Stop hitting me, you idiot!" Tad hit back, smacking him back.
"Only if you stop being retarded!" He punched Tad in the shoulder.
"You hit like a girl!" Tad slapped him in the face.
"You ARE a girl!" He booted her in the crotch.
"Ha! It doesn't hurt there anymore, asshole!" She slapped him again.

In a flash, the leader was upon them, and they both crumpled under two mighty chops. "IDIOTS!" He complained. "Obviously the strategy division chose right for you two to portray children! You bicker as if you were both still six years old! Now get back on track! We must apprehend the suspect." He pointed to the table. Pyros was gone.

"Where'd he go?" He demanded. One of the lemon ninja pointed over to the dog, whom Pyros charged a buck fifty for a glass.

"Thanks. I'm really thirsty." The dog said, lapping at the plastic cup.
"No problem. Ya know, if someone wasn't as knowledgeable as me, they might have thought you were one of the ninja too, strange talking dog." Pyros said, pocketing the money.

"Nah. I'm your ordinary talking dog living in the city. Hmm...this lemonade tastes of orangelos..." The dog said as it rolled the lemonade about in it's mouth.

"Hmm. I thought he was one of us too." The 'mother' ninja spoke up. "Of course, come to think of it that would have been too obvious."

[PyrosNine]

The leader drew a piece of parchment. "Well, now he's one of us." With speed and precision, he threw it at the dog.

The talking dog looked up to have the parchment stick onto his head. It had strange green inked Kanji upon it. The leader ninja made hand signs. "Conscription no-jutsu!"

The dog howled as it was surrounded by a flash of light. It made multiple shadows of the dog in every direction, and those shadows started to move. They closed in around the frightened dog and covered him, raising him up onto his hind legs and transformed into the black ninja garb that covered him from head to toe in human form. The only evidence that he'd been a dog was that his hands and feet had sharp claws protruding from them.

He turned to face Pyros and growled, and kicked aside the drink. Pyros sighed. "Hmm. That's a new trick."

The leader smiled and drew his own weapon, a bracelet he held that had a long blade attached to each. "We've been granted special powers to aid in your top priority capture. Of course, it won't work upon the likes of you, but it ensures we'll never be short of Ninja."

"Hmm...I suppose you can never have too many ninja. Alright then. Bring it on." Pyros pointed his sax at them.

"Ninja! Attack!" The leader yelled, and they charged.

The Dog Ninja was closest, and swung it's claws in a downward slash. Pyros blocked with his Sax and slid backwards on the slick ground from the strength of the attack. Another ninja acrobatically dived in, intersecting Pyros with his knives, but Pyros leapt forward and flipped backwards in mid air, booting the ninja in the face, and using his head as a platform to leap away. He deflected several shuriken in mid air with his sword, and landed up on the very table he sold lemonade from.

Like those wire fighting losers on the matrix, the swordsman ninja dove onto the table as well. He swung at Pyros who deftly defended himself. He sent the blade away and gave his own slash at his opponents feet, who flipped over Pyros gracefully to the other side of the table. The ninja brought his sword down towards Pyros's back, but Nein responded by stomping his side of the table. The legs collapsed beneath him, and the Ninja was catapulted through the air. Pyros gave the ninja a parting gift and sent him flying farther by smacking his sword's pommel between the mid-air ninja's legs. "OWWWOOOOO!" The ninja screamed as it set off like a rocket into a nearby parked car, the impact making the the alarm wail.

Pyros flipped himself to be horizontal to the ground, and grabbed the edge of the the table. He spun it with himself to carry it to the air, and brought it atop yet another attacking ninja, flattening him into the ground. The new Kunoichi Tad darted in, grabbing the broken off legs of the table and twirling them like tonfas. She went in aggressively, stabbing and swinging the wood at Pyros, who blocked and dodged. She swung both at his head and he ducked, but she parted the two and brought one down and used the other to attack his unguarded side. Pyros swung his sword quickly in an arc, blocking both. He dashed into her and hit her in the stomach with his shoulder, knocking her away.

She got up quickly, but just as she got close Pyros swung his own blade at her makeshift tonfas and sent it into another ninja's head as he was about to interrupt. Pyros then sweeped her feet with a kick and swung his blade upwards. Even upside down she blocked this attack, but Pyros sent some extra strength into his blade and sent her skyward. He leapt up to attack again, suddenly had some wire cut into his skin. He looked to see another pair of ninja holding both ends in midair, and they pulled him down. The wire failed to cut through him thanks to his thick skin, but still cut the lemonade merchant's clothes he wore for his job. Pyros went down with them, but before he hit the ground he spun himself with his blade and cut the wire, freeing himself. He pulled on one end of the wire and brought the ninja to his right to him, then punched him away. He side-flipped upon hitting the ground to avoid a stabbing thrust from behind, and gracefully kicked the other wire ninja in the stomach, then horizontal kicking him into the nearby wall with his other leg.

The swordsman ninja wasn't done yet, and neither was the dog ninja. Pyros leapt aside a clawed attack and ducked under a slice for his head, and caught the claw on his sax. The swordsman went for the kill, but Pyros reached over with his free hand and grabbed him by the foot. His balance lost, the swordsman fell over, and Pyros used this to swing the ninja into the dog ninja, the impact releasing the Dog's claw from Pyros's sax and sending them together on the ground. Pyros flamesweeped forward and slammed his foot into the dog-ninja's head, sending him and the swordsman back into the air, where they hit the falling upside down Tad and all fell to the ground in a mess.

3 down, six to go. Pyros flung his sword at the next ninja who caught it, only to find Pyros's fist in his face, and Pyros's long nails grabbing into the ninja's black silk. He took back his sword and hefted the ninja over him in a judo move, slamming him into the asphalt of the street. He then gave him a petty kick that slid the ninja along the wet street, where his head went into the gutter. The second to last ninja came in with a bo staff. And boy did he use it well.

Pyros ducked under a swing at his head, only to find the other end of the staff connecting with his stomach. Pyros grunted and did his best to avoid the next, but the twirling staff was on all sides of him, and he was struck in the back, the head, and right calve. Instinctively Pyros leapt away, but the Bo ninja had expected this and was above him, ready to crack the staff upon his head. He underestimated Pyros's ability to maneuver in mid-air however.

Pyros rolled away in mid-air, landed on his feet as the ninja hit the ground, cracking the pavement with his staff. Pyros didn't pause to notice the ninja's fierce attack, knowing it was better to act than to think against such an opponent. The ninja reacted quickly, but Nein parried the staff's stab with the sax, and rolled from the staff to give the ninja's face a stab. The ninja blocked brought his staff forth and guarded, then spun it into Pyros. Pyros's sword and the ninja's staff met, parted, and met again as the conflict heated up, but Pyros could not break the Ninja bojutsu master's wall of defense.

With a swipe to the feet from the sax, the Ninja leapt up and crouched upon the top of his staff, balancing perfectly on it. Pyros swung again at the pole to unbalance him, but from atop the staff the ninja punched and kicked him away. The ninja grabbed the pole he crouched upon and flipped forward for another massive strike, and Pyros decided it'd be best to take the bull by the horns. "Ready-GO!" Pyros gave his most powerful strike at the same time as the Ninja brought the bo down, and the two crashed together.

The two were frozen their, the force of each other's blows conflicting against each other, each struggling to overcome. It was a conflict that would determine the outcome, between who would win or lose. The very weapons they held threatened to abdicate their master's hands. Sweat was clearly visible from the ninja's eyes, and Pyros's muscles strained.

The ninja's attack was truly fierce, but Pyros had better footing. The ninja soared through the air with a yell. Pyros followed up with a mighty donkey kick, which parted the Bo from it's master, and sent him crashing into a nearby telephone pole, cracking it. The ninja bounced off the pole and back to Pyros. Pyros received the bojutsu master with the sax, and gave him a dozen slashes of bladed fury. When he could take no more, the ninja fell to the ground and stayed down.

Before Pyros could count how many he'd taken down, he had to deflect a kunai. As it bounced off his Sax harmlessly he looked up to see the Ninja leader standing atop the pole. "So I see that the fire angel feels no need to show himself today, Mr. Nine?"

"The Fire Angel feels no need to sully his hands with the likes of thee, Mr. Ero-Nin." Pyros replied, leaping towards the leader, "So I hope I'll you'll have to be satisfied with plain old me instead!"

The ninja leader leapt down to intercept Pyros, but drew no weapon. It was strange, and Pyros should have seen through the ruse. If Pyros had thought about it, he would have remembered that there were 3 other ninja left other than the leader, and that they had positioned themselves around him. And so had their thin wire...

Pyros saw three dark forms spin about him like a dark merry go round, his arms were pinned down to his sides, and the Ninja leader seemed to be suspended in mid air. On closer inspection, he was standing upon more wire. The three other ninja were clinging to the other buildings, and kept Pyros dangling above the ground, keeping the wire so tight a lesser man would have been cleaved in two. Granted, if they tried they could certainly caused Pyros some great pain by making extra effort on the wire.

"Pyros. Your flight from us was truly a great run, even if it showed a glimmer of cowardice from so great a deity. But now it is over, and you shall pay dearly what you owe."

"I'll take what I owe and shove it up your ass!"

Pyros was quite heavily bound, and try as he might he could not even move his hands enough to do anything. He could barely keep a grip on his sword, and even that could not defend him from what the leader Ninja pulled from his pocket. A signed form for taking into custody, signed and notarized by Thief himself. There were so many contracts and legal loopholes in that document that even the combined trickster prowess of Pyros and Loki could not unravel it in less than a week. And even then they'd need to mess with the space/time continuum a bit.

[PyrosNine]

While it was a nigh inescapable piece of parchment, the easiest method of escape was simple. Never let it touch you.

This was why he was bound so tightly, and why they did not relent one bit. The parchment was quite valuable, and rare. It was a one shot move, for once bent or torn, it was useless. Thief was working on this as they spoke though, trying to make his legal documents have a restraining order from time and water. Unfortunately the current prototypes either made the entire immediate 4 mile radius lose all it's water (even bodily fluids) or disappeared soon after their creation, pulled out of time itself.

Pyros sighed. He'd have to take things up a notch.

"Custody NO-JUTSU!"

As the parchment sailed towards him, Pyros suddenly flared up with energy. The burst of heat that was created snapped the binding wires and freed his arms. He first dodged the custody order, then concentrated his annoyance on those who bound him. He snatched the three pieces of wire and snapped them furiously. The ninja were quick to let go having seen him do something similar earlier to their allies. But they weren't prepared for him to immediately whip the wires around, and snag them all in one swoop. They were all rolled up into the wire like a yo-yo, and Pyros took this a step further slinging it out again just a soon as they reached his fingertips.

They screamed bloody murder as the wire cut into them, and as they spun around madly in the air. Once they went down the street and into a traffic sign, he snapped it back and brought it back to his hand. Then he sent it out again, and this time toward the leader ninja.

The leader dove from the wire as the spinning bundle of wailing ninjas plowed through it, only for them to hit the ground after he did and roll back towards him. Pyros smiled.

"Heh, I can still do walk the dog! It really is like riding a bicycle!"

The ninja leader leapt over the spinning ninja, and Pyros was on him like corn on the cob. Slinging the ninja yo-yo around, he brought it down on the ninja master, who was crushed and bloodied into the asphalt. Pyros snapped it back again for a second blow, but the Leader was quick to dodge this time, despite his injury. He drew his biggest kunai and gave a signal that he was now going to fight with all he had, now that his team was defeated and the trump card failed.

Pyros swung the yo-yo up, and let go. the spinning ninja soared into the heavens, and disappeared. Sword still in hand (he always used his left hand to yo-yo) he landed on the ground as well, intending to finish this ninja foolishness. In the style of fight that was to happen with a kunai, he held the sax underhandedly. The two faced each other.

The street corner became deadly silent. The whipping of the wind ceased, and the noises of the city died. Feral dogs no longer barked, nocturnal birds ceased to hoot, husbands and wives stopped bickering. The silence was so vast that a pin could have been heard. It was a little unnerving, actually. The two watched each other, their piercing gazes staring deep into each other's souls. Watching. Waiting. Looking for something to start with.

Toastburner B wandered onto the street corner, lost. "Damn, I'm lost. Knew I shouldn't have decided to take the scenic route home..."

Having disturbed the silence, immediately Pyros and the ninja riddled TB with knives and fireballs. "OMG!" he yelped, and fell over.

The two opponents took this as their cue and went at it. Pyros side flipped over the nin, who blocked a stab in the head and responded with a high kick into the face of the mid air Pyros. Pyros grabbed the leg and threw it, but the Ninja faded away immediately after he was thrown. Pyros watched his surroundings closely. His breathing filled the street corner. Like lightning he slashed upwards to ward a strike at his head, and he leapt aside to avoid a rolling kick.

The two got close quarters, pressing their blades together, testing the mettle and metal of their opponent. Then Pyros shoved him away, and the ninja again disappeared like black mist into the night. Pyros swung around to block an attack on his back, going into a spinning sweeper kick which the leader leapt and disappeared again. Pyros leapt as well and stabbed downwards only to be rebounded off of the Ninja leader's kunai. The ninja back flip kicked upwards, which Pyros responded in turn by kicking off the oncoming feet and performing his own back flip.

The two hit the ground instantaneously, with the Leader Ninja fading into darkness again, and Pyros charging forward. After 4 steps, Pyros stopped in half a tick and held back his arms, and shot forward like a bullet with a strong flame sweep. The speed, heat and vacuum of the attack caught the Leader ninja off guard, and into Pyros's mercy. Pyros flame sweeped back and clipped the Leader in the shoulder, then back again where he slammed the handle of the Sax into his back. The ninja straightened his back in pain, only to be punched in the head and tripped off his feet. Pyros slashed him down with his blade, then kicked him upwards.

With a jumping slash, Pyros nailed the ninja twice then gave him another kick higher into the air.

Pyros flipped backwards and psyched himself up.

"Here I GO!" Pyros spun himself with another grand leg sweep, then leapt into the air. He overshot the still rising Leader, and then put in the combo.

-> -> X (Flame Sweep) + /\ > < \/ X+O (Braver) = "BURST BRAVER!"

Pyros became surrounded by flame and shot towards his prey at almost blurring speeds, sword out. The leader of the band of ninjas had just reached the peak of his flight and was just about to be pulled by gravity. But before it could do so, Pyros's sunk in his blade, weighing it down on the ninja's form with his own body and the force of the flame sweep still behind him, driving his opponent down towards the ground faster than he had gone up.

Pyros drove him into the ground, and his impact was enough to fracture the entire street corner. The shock wave broke all the block's windows, raining glass everywhere. The crater created was deep enough to be an apartment complex swimming pool. The main water line was shattered as well, making it even more like an apartment complex swimming pool. Broken glass floating in the water and all!

After a little while, the body of the ninja floated up to the top, of the water.

Toastburner pulled himself back to his feet. "Oh....my organs! The hell? Pyros? What the hell Pyros? Why did you do that? What the hell happened here? Who the heck was that? Why-" Before TB could ask yet another well founded question, the yo-yo'ed ninjas returned to the earth, crushing TB brutally.

Pyros paid no mind. An electric guitar riff filled the air as Pyros flashily played with his blade, spinning it about his hand, over his arm, over his head and balancing it on his finger with the pointy end. Then, he hefted it up lightly and bent over. The blade slid perfectly into it's sheath.

"Why, huh? Why not?"

[PyrosNine]

Pyros took what he could from the Nin, and hawked them for as much as he could. $500. Still not enough to make a dent in the heavy fines. He certainly couldn't earn the money beating the crap out of every ninja that came after him. That would be far too time consuming, and as evidenced by the battle, they were starting to get good.

And he certainly couldn't begin again in the lemonade trade. His good lemonade vendors clothes were ruined from the encounter. He'd have to find something else. Something that paid enough money...but what? He had heard of a POS Industries that had just opened up in town, but he doubted he could ever work in a place that sounded like it was an industry of pieces of....y'know.

It'd take a miracle of fate to aid him now, and Fate herself wasn't willing to lend him any money. And Lady luck was busy at the World Poker Tournament at this time of the year. Pyros himself would be there, if it weren't for the fact he had to keep a low profile. Ninjas interrupting a card game was not cool, flashy, or crazy. Despite what Ryu the gangsta ninja seemed to think.

Pyros sighed as he sipped a burning firebolt. Which was sundrop mixed with tequila and a bit of dragon's blood. And it was on fire. The pawn shop he was in doubled as a bar and tavern, which was one of the few that still existed nowadays in the modern world. It was a rare find in the midst of the NPF forums, even rarer for possessing a case of powdered dragon's blood. Of course, it's having such valuable commodity was Pyros's own doing. He'd considered taking it back and selling it, but then how would he get drunk?

Pyros sighed and took a bigger swig as another patron entered the establishment. The dim lighting of the fireplace in the corner gave him a flickery shadow against the various odds and ends of the pawn shop. He stepped around a table selling various things that fell out of Premonition's afro, and skirted a bookshelf of the forum's best secondhand books. Notably on display: "I'm evil and I rule you over with an iron fist of bannation" by Shiney. and "How to go to E3 by using old video game sprites and Photoshop." by Kurosen.

The stranger's features were hidden by the poor lighting and the general lack of skin he showed, wearing a thick wide brim hat, and a large caped jacket that covered up all the rest of him, even his feet. Pyros guessed he wore black pants underneath that jacket as well, considering everything on him was black. Except of course some white bandages he kept around his mouth. They weren't there for show, and it looked as if he'd had it his own way, they'd be black too. Must've had a nasty piece of pain around his gob from the looks of it.

He stepped calmly past the mystical objects that were close to the barkeep's watchful eye, because they were the most likely to be stolen. Especially the mind revealing mirror, which showed that the stranger wasn't as calm as he showed himself to be. The mirror reflected him sitting in the fetal position in a dark room, darker than this one, surrounded by a table of cruel, calculating men. The man sat down on a stool and looked up at the barkeep.

"Give me whatever you think is good for a man's last drink."

He spoke calmly, his words laden with a sense that he was surrounded by death. Or that he was going to die, considering his request.

"Sure thing pal, we get that alot." The barkeep cheerily poured him a 'Graveyard Finisher' and the man drank it up.

"Hmm....good. Nice aftertaste."

The barkeep judiciously wiped a glass. "So, as I said we get that alot. But it's rare we get to hear exactly why they're gonna die, so do you mind my askin'?"

"...Yeah. Sure. I don't mind." The stranger said, recollecting his thoughts for what he wanted to say. "I'm a dead man. I've bitten of more than I can chew, and can expect an early retirement. The bad kind."

"You've already made that clear. "

"Well, it's just that lately I've been having...money trouble. Y'know, not being able to pay rent, losing my car. Lawyer Ninjas up my ass over credit card debt."

"I hear you man." Pyros chirped.

"I've been looking about for jobs, but my agent's not the hardest egg in the boiler, if you catch my drift. She's my cousin, and I only keep her because she's family. And my mother said I had to. But she's horrible at it! I've done things from killing old ladies for $17 bucks, to Doing birthday parties even! And if the job's not stupid or pays next to nothing, It's something incredibly crazy!"

"So you're a mercenary?" The barkeep asked.

"An Assassin actually. I can also juggle knives pretty well, so at least the birthday gig is workable."

"What kind of crazy?" Pyros asked, always interested in crazy.

"Crazy like having to break into Kurosen's vault of deadly robots and recover a bag of chips left in an old fridge in there. I got the job because he was sure some guy named Rob guarded it, and he wanted him killed. I got in alright, ran past the the other Deathbots only to find the fridge, and Rob. Who not only wasn't just some guy, but R.O.B. stood for Really Ornery Bot. I got the chips, but I also got a blast of lazer. I'm lucky to still have a neck."

"Did it at least pay?"

"Oh, it paid well. The eccentric guys are always rich. But most of the money was spent on hospital bills and reconstructive surgery. When I got back to my apartment my stuff was all gone, and some other guy was living there. Ended up sharing a cardboard box with a hobo named Fenris. So, tired of being so damn poor and wanting to get back to a higher standard, I told my agent to get me the highest paying job I could get. The biggest mistake I'll ever make, I'm sure."

The stranger held out his glass for a refill. The barkeep poured more of the grey-blue beverage into the glass, and the stranger took a sip and continued.

"My cousin, she then goes and sleeps with some higher up in the World's Earnest Evil Doers, y'know WEED."

"You mean a band of evil pot-heads?"

"No, they're named after being the growing plant that sucks away the life from everything else. Though a few of them do enjoy the stuff. Well, after she gets boned, she asks him if he's got any really high paying jobs. He mentions yes, but it's a doozy. He and she are drunk when this happens, mind you, and my name is signed into a contract. The higher higher ups hear about me and this job, and realizes that the other guy fucked up royally. But they decide that it doesn't matter anyway, as this is a 100% chance fatality mission for me. So they say I have to do it, and if I don't they'll kill me."

"You try running?"

"Can't. they've got a lot of guys on me. Including Whiskers, the psychotic cyborg kitty." He pointed to the table of yarn behind him.

"MEERRKILLYOUDIEBLOODGORESATANBITCOOOW!" Whiskers mewed with a metallic voice.

"Plus they strapped a bomb to me and my cousin. Naturally I'd just unplug myself and let my cousin die, but My mom's all 'Oh, I'd rather you die together. She might get lost in the afterlife!"

"Yeah...Mothers." Pyros added.

The barkeep rubbed his chin. "Hmm...a 100% chance of fatality job, eh? How much would something like that pay?"

"Oh, 1,500,000,000."

[PyrosNine]

The barkeep whistled at the number. Pyros sat up, alert. "WHAT?"

"Yeah, 1,500,000,000. A mint. Thats enough gold to build a golden themepark! With gold toilet seats and everything! I should know, that was listed as one of the payment options."

"What does the job entail?" Pyros asked, enthusiastically.

"Oh, the impossible. Defeating everyone on a list of WEED's greatest enemies, nicknamed on the job description as 'Weedkillers.' See?"

The stranger handed Pyros the list, and Pyros's eyes devoured it greedily. "So...umm... you allowed accomplices?"

"What? Accomplices? You want to help me on this? Are you out of your mind?"

"No...just in need of money, like yourself. Like, 1,200,000,000 in money."

"Can anyone need that much money? and Can anyone be that crazy?"

"Sir, if you knew who I am, you'd reconsider them questions."

"Then who are you?"

"None of your business. Except for the whole Accomplice part."

"Why should I take you with me on the way to death, then, huh No Name?"

"...Let's just say I stand a fighting chance. You wouldn't need to do anything."

"You serious? Or on Weed?"

"What? I'd never be on that gay League of Doom rip off!"

"...Can you at least let me know who you are, then I can at least be a bit more confidant in you?"

"Let's just say I'm very Hot."

The stranger looked Pyros up and down. "You a chick?"

"Sometimes." was Pyros's calm answer. "Tell you what man, I'll fight them all by myself, and take a contract with you on your contract. So you'll be following your contract while I do mine, and they can't kill you for doing nothing til I fail. Whether I fail in horribly or win, either way, you get to live a lot longer. Understand?"

"Sure...I understand that you're crazy."

"But you'd be crazy not to try. Do you think anyone else will bother to intercede for you?"

"...." The stranger looked down at his glass. He was troubled by this question, and couldn't quite make up his mind on the matter. "So how hot are you?"

Pyros transformed into a busty woman in a tight fitting Persian garb. "Oh, I'm very hot."
Asheth grabbed the brim of the man's hat and pulled him in close. "Very, very hot."

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The next day, Pyros packed up his things and headed off. His destinations were varied and his targets were as sundry as they come. But he was on a mission, he had a need for destruction, and an even more severe need of money. With the Lawyer-Ninja hot on his trail, he set off on a journey few would ever hear of....